How to stop your love from marrying a
by hiphoprap
Summary: Ed falls in love with Mustang but he has a fiance. Ed gets help from a mysterious girl ... FULL SUMMARY INSIDE! Rating may go up in later chapters. Not a crackfic, but has humor.
1. What? Al is an evil genius!

_**HOW TO STOP YOUR LOVE FROM MARRYING A…**_

Originally, the title was HOW TO STOP YOUR LOVE FROM MARRYING A BITCH, but go figure.

Full Summary: Ed has been in love with Roy Mustang for a long time. Al comes up with a plan but as in series with the fight against the Homunculi, he gets sent to the other world without alchemy in compensation for Al's soul. Before Ed comes back, a mysterious girl just came and became one of the Brigadier Generals, taking on the code name as the Metallic Dragon alchemist. When Ed does come back, he meets another cool but arcane girl and she helps him in his quest for Mustang's heart.

**CHAPTER 1: What the hell?! Al's an evil genius!**

Al knocked on the closed bedroom door again. "Brother?"

"I'm fine, Al," Ed's voice came through the door.

Al sighed. Brother was in love with Colonel Mustang. Brother had hoped that Colonel Mustang would someday fall for him, but apparently all he had was false hope when _that _revelation came out. Mustang found his fiancé.

What was worse was that that lady was a good woman. She was an innocent lady with still her virtue (virginity) just like her fiancé, surprisingly and tried to help many people, even Ishbalans, during the Ishbalan War. Her grandfather said that but Brother keeps on denying it. But _her grandfather said that_ **what kind of a grandpa lies?** Al thought, his innocence taking over. And she was pretty.

Al smirked, or at least he felt like he did (armor boy, walking trashcan, remember). Maybe, just maybe, he, Al could show the Colonel some of Brother's finer sides and the things Brother is better at than his fiancé. Brother might just get the Colonel's attention. Yeah! That just might work!

Brother can do alchemy and he's got a lot of talent in it. Oooooh, maybe how about the fact that (Al practically had a nosebleed thinking about this) even though Mustang's fiancé was pretty, Brother was absolutely beautiful! That's right, Brother was stunning. Ed had long silky blonde hair with thick luscious bangs framing a petite and unblemished face, plump juicy lips, warm but fiery golden eyes, a small waist and swaying hips with a (Al sniggered) round _bootie_, and smooth soft shiny legs… err … leg.

_Bootie. _Al thought that was the funniest word ever. He couldn't control his laughter, especially at bad moments. Just as Ed came out his bedroom door, Al burst out laughing. "Ha, Bootie!" Al gasped out.

Ed's eyebrows twitched. "Bootie?! BOOTIE?! WHAT DIRTY THOUGHTS ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW?!"

"Brother, I have an idea on how to get the Colonel interested in you!" Al said jubilantly.

"How?"

"You're better than _her_ at some things, right Brother?"

Ed nodded.

"Well, maybe if we show off all of your skills better than hers, and she can't do anything to deny it, maybe the Colonel will think you're better than her."

"Think?! I AM better than her!" Then Ed thought about it for a while. At last he came to a conclusion. "Well, I've got nothing to lose…"

""Yay, now instead of mopping, you'll be your devious little se-"

"WHO'RE YA CALLIN' SO LITTLE THAT A MOUSE CAN BEAT HIM IN A RACE CUZ ITS GOT LONGER LEGS THAN HIM!!!!" Ed fumed.

Al was already out of the military dorms and at a train station to get out of Central by the time Ed finished his sentence.

Then Ed's eyes softened. "What an evil genius…" he whispered.


	2. The Dumbfuck and the Brigadier General

The Dumbfuck and the Brigadier General

Remember when I said in the first chapter that the original title was How to Stop Your Love from Marrying a Bitch? Well, forget about that. The actual title is How to Stop Your Love from Marrying a Douchebag. :D Of course I can't actually name the story that or my account would be overflowing with alerts! So you'll just have to settle with How to Stop Your Love from Marrying a…

Disclaimer: If you try to sue me for 'copying the creator', I'll use any flames I get to burn down your house. **:) **It's not a threat… it's the future. _It's not a threat, it's a promise is such a cliché. _

_This is actual beginning of the story. You can say that the first chapter was a prologue. This whole story is in Roy's perspective. From the summary, Ed leaves this world and comes back later, right? And then the Metallic Dragon alchemist helps Ed win Roy's heart. Well, remember (in the anime) when Ed and Roy say their final good-byes before Roy goes off to fight Pride (Bradley dud)? The first part of this chapter is a rewritten version that scene where Roy finally learns that Ed is in love with him. Then, you all know that Ed was sent to another world for three years. I won't add that stuff in the story; you already know what happens if you did your homework and not made your friend do it for you instead. He'll say that he never saw Ed again until… and that is when the mischief begins. DANTE AND THE HOMUNCULI ARE STILL THERE AND IT"S WORSE THAN EVER WITHOUT ED! Enjoy!_

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ$$$$$$$$$$$ I'm Rich!!!!!$$$$$$$$ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ **Stop dreaming hiphoprap!**

Hate at First Sight! Meet the douchebag! **(Read the italicized part; it's essential to the story!)**

Fullmetal and I got out of the car after I told him he couldn't come with me. He was staring desperately and intently enough to bother me. "Is there something wrong, Fullmetal?"

Then, to my surprise, he broke down. Tears flowed freely from his beautiful golden eyes. True, I admired his beauty but I was not into Fullmetal. He had a short temper and was brash. And all those scars… I really don't have fetishes with scars and automail; I just didn't think it would be very attractive in bed. His face was beautiful enough, but when did anyone just pay attention to face when having sex? "Promise me… Promise me you'll be safe and come back to me you'll be safe and come back to me," he whispered. "I love you, so much that it hurts… Please, when this is all over… can we b-"

"I'm sorry, Fullmetal, but I have a fiancé- my dear Alondra." I was blunt and to the point. I had to harden my heart to solve this problem.

"I… understand," he whispered and hung his head down low. "I'll be going now so I don't bother you anymore…" and with that, he slowly and sadly walked off to wherever he was going. And that was the last time I ever saw him…

UNTIL… (Here's the actual story!)

Whispers about the new state alchemist recruit were going around.

"_She has a snake…"_

"_Hey, I wonder if she's pretty."_

"_Who cares if she's pretty; I heard she's only 13…"_

"_She can transmute without a circle like the Fullmetal Alchemist-"_

"_What happened to Fullmetal?"_

" _Didn't you hear, she's the Brigadier General and her codename is the Metallic Dragon Alchemist."_

I pondered over the rumors. The Brigadier General? Already? She was just recruited this year, she's a girl, and she's 13; she must be powerful. It'd actually be cool to meet her-my rival. Is she a homunculus? I really didn't want to believe it, but if our homunculus Fuhrer made her the Brigadier General the moment she passed the Alchemy Exam, what else could she be?

I was so into my thoughts, I didn't notice a busy and distracted little girl headed for a crash course with me until we bumped into each other. "Oooph!"

"Ow!"

I looked down to see who bumped into me, ready to yell at them when I noticed that she was probably as young as Fullmetal when he joined the state alchemists. Instead, a rare apology came out of my mouth. "I'm sorry-are you okay?"

She nodded. "Thanks. Who are you?"

Before I told her who I was, I sized her up. She was 13 or 14 and was pretty hot. She wore white boots with distracting pompoms and very, very dark brown hair almost to the point where it looked black. She had pretty chocolate eyes that looked like a puppy's with long eyelashes and was pretty curvy.

But the thing that made him nervous was the fact that she didn't have to wear the uniform. You have to at least be a major to not wear a uniform. Who was she?

"Hey, aren't you the Colonel?"

With that, I puffed myself up; first impressions are very important. "Why yes, and how would you know?"

"The Fuhrer said that he wanted to fuck the Colonel a.k.a. Flame Alchemist and you seem like the type of guy he would go after. He was so hard when he said that, you could definitely tell he was a guy."

"That's… nice…"

"HA! I know, hey, he's pretty big…"

"But I don't have a vagina! How the hell is he gonna fuck me?"

"Stick it up your ass."

"… That would hurt… If that ever was going to happen he'd better use lube…"

"He doesn't believe in lube."

"He'll never get me."

"Then he'll rape you."

"WHAT?!"

"People rape each other when they get rejected."

"…"

She then straightened herself up like she was going to say something very important and said, "The Fuhrer asked me to take a naked picture of you."

"HELL NO!"

"Would you rather I take you to the Fuhrer instead, and he wouldn't have to imagine whatever he wants to do with you?"

"I have a fiancé!"

She snorted. "Alondra, that bitchy douchebag? She's a banana, she looks all yellow and ripe on the outside and once you peel her and get to know her better, you see she's rotten. I used to go to school with her. When I sat next to her on the first day, she was talking shit about her other friends. I hated her at first sight. When she asked me what my name was cuz she obviously wanted someone like me to follow her around, I acted like a bitch and ignored her. She got pissed after that and soon pulled a social war against me. In school, it was either you were on her team or my friend. And then I gladly left and became part of the military. Then she seduced a fool in the military and got herself a dumbfuck."

I was confused about the last part. "Dumbfuck? What's that? … Oh, dumb as in that person's dumb and fuck as in he's her fuck toy…"

She scoffed.

"And who is that? I might know him…"

"ARE YOU DAFT?! SHE'S YOUR FUCKING FIANCÉ! YOU'RE THE DUMBFUCK!"

"Oh…" I was surprised. No one ever called me something like that. It was a reality check. I admire her for that.

Then she cracked up. "You really are something, aren't you Mustang?"

"So, who are _you_?" I asked.

"Me? I'm Nelly… the Brigadier General a.k.a. the Metallic Dragon Alchemist."


	3. I See London, I See France, I See Your

**How to Stop Your Love from Marrying a…**

**I See London, I See France, I See Your Und-Wait… Is That A Dick?**

Author's Note: It's been a long time since I updated… Sorry for the wait! OK… anyways, this chapter is about Nelly trying to drill the fact that Alondra (Roy's fiancé) is a shemale into Roy's head. This is also basically a crackchapter…I guess and… **I WILL NOT UPDATE IF I DO NOT GET AT LEAST ONE REVIEW.** OK? OK! Let's begin!

**I See London, I See France, I See Your Und-Wait… Is That A Dick?**

I couldn't believe it's been three years since Ed disappeared. I kind of miss the little guy. I haven't been able to work on the wedding plans because we had to reestablish the country and Nelly's been telling me that my fiancé, Alondra, is a shemale.

#########################################

*It's a girl*

Today Nelly brought a little zebra from the zoo by claiming the Colonel wanted it. Havoc, Riza, Fuery, Falman, the Fuhrer, and I went outside to see it. It was really cute. Then Havoc came out of the blue with the craziest comment I ever heard.

"Awww… Hey, look, it's a boy-"

"That's its tail…" I said.

"It's a girl…" Havoc said.

0_o

#########################################

*It's a piece of cake*

_Do you know what switching to Comcast is?_

Today Nelly and I were standing outside, watching the sky and she asked me, "Do you know what switching to Comcast is?"

Just then, a huge thing appeared in the sky.

"Oh look, it's a frog," I said.

"No, it's Edward," Nelly said.

"It's my beautiful fiancé."

"With a dick… hope you like fucking a tranny."

And then, a huge piece of cake fell on me…

_It's a piece of cake._

#####################################

*Jesus lives in my bathroom*

The Fuhrer was staring at me. "Look, he wants to fuck you," Nelly said.

"A girl like you shouldn't be using language like that," I replied.

"And a Colonel should listen to his Brigadier General when she says his fiancé is a tranny," Nelly said.

I sighed. I could never win against her, but she was a great friend when you needed her. Except for the fact that she tries to get me to fall in love with Fullmetal and he isn't even here. Beside me and Nelly were Havoc, Fuery, Falman, and Riza. Riza was trying to teach them about religion.

"Okay, so where is Jesus?" Riza asked. She had her gun out so there wouldn't be any wrong answers. The only person she wouldn't shoot was Nelly, but then again, they were close friends; they both loved to torture us and Riza liked Nelly's jokes and mischievousness.

"Jesus is in Heaven," Fuery said.

"Jesus is in my heart," Havoc said.

"Jesus is in Roy's dormitory bathroom," Nelly said.

"And why would you say that," asked Riza a bit surprised.

"Cause in the mornings, when I come into his dorm, he gets up and bangs on the bathroom door saying, "JESUS CRIST, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?!" Nelly said.

#################################################

*The Fuhrer is stupid*

I refused another invitation to the Fuhrer's bedroom at night. The Fuhrer, frustrated, walked into my office where I was having a discussion with Nelly and Riza, Falman, Havoc, Breda, and Fuery were doing whatever they did normally. "Colonel, you missed another night I planned out! What is the meaning of this?!" the Fuhrer shouted.

"He's in love with Ed," Nelly said. I kept my mouth closed.

The Fuhrer, the only person standing in the room, finally chose to put psychology classes to use and said, "If you think you are stupid, please stand up."

Nelly stood up.

"Nelly, you think you're stupid," the Fuhrer asked, a bit taken back.

"No, Fuhrer, but I'd hate to see you standing there all by yourself…"

#################################################

*A mischievous misadventure of Nelly, the Brigadier General and I, the Colonel*

It was evening, and me and Nelly were visiting Fuery and Havoc in their shared room. Fuery and Havoc, unable to get girls finally hooked up with each other… and forgot Nelly and I were in the room. Fuery and Havoc started having sex on the couch in front of us.

"Nice butt sex, guys," I said.

"I never thought that Fuery would be the one on top," Nelly mused. 0_o

Havoc and Fuery finally noticed us there and instead slumbering off into the shower to continue. A couple of seconds later, Fuery yelled for the lube and Nelly handed them a tube, a dangerous smirk on her face, the one that indicated she did something wrong.

Later, the messenger came with paperwork for both of them while they were still in the shower. Nelly opened the door while I still slumbered in a chair.

"Is Warrant Officer Fuery here?" asked the messenger.

"He's in the shower," Nelly said.

"How about Lieutenant Colonel Havoc?"

"In the shower."

"What?"

"They hooked up."

"Oh."

Nelly nodded.

"Are they coming out soon?"

"No."

"Why not?" the messenger and I asked a bit taken back.

Nelly smirked and said, "Cause when they asked for lube, I gave them superglue instead."

And then two shouts came from the bathroom… "NELLY!!!!!!!!!"

###################################

*I see London, I see France, I see your und-Wait… Is that a dick?*

Nelly, Alondra, and I were in the office arguing.

"You bitch, you don't know anything about me!" my fiancé yelled.

"Neither do you," Nelly said.

"I don't have a dick!"

"Yes you do!"

"Then prove it!"

"I will!" And with that, Nelly started walking toward Alondra.

Alondra was about to retort when what Nelly suddenly dawned upon her and Nelly pulled down Alondra's skirt.

I raised my fist, triumphant when Nelly revealed what Alondra didn't want to show me… "I see London, I see France, I see your und-Wait… Is that a dick?!"

Nelly smirked, "See?"

**Author's Note: Don't worry, Ed's coming up in the next chapter.**


End file.
